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Joke of the Day

"People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date: 1) out in the open 2) where I last left it"

"Why didn't Anna and Elsa's parents teach them the alphabet? Because they got lost at C."

"Im not sure whats so 'outstanding' about this bill? It seems pretty ordinary to me."

"What do you call a frog who wants to be a cowboy ? Hoppalong Cassidy !"

"Kid, if you don't know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don't deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn't cry."

"What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again"

"My uncle died after falling out of a helicopter.. ..so at his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a parachute. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

"I don't mean to brag but I just beat my 5-year-old ten times in a row at air hockey. He sucks."

"I dumped my girlfriend and started reading a geography book. At least I know where I stand now."

"What did Ron Burgandy say when he dropped his waffle on the beach? Go fuck yourself sandy Eggo"