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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend's reason for leaving me was because she still hadn't found what she was looking for I replied with ""oh, U2"""

"WRITING TIP: Every movie should start with a close-up of an alarm clock going off and a hand clumsily trying to silence it."

"[tv interview] did you get upset? ""that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself"" don't do that. just curse and we will add the beeps"

"Why don't house painters wear wedding rings on the job? Nobody wants to marry an underemployed alcoholic."

"PATIENT: I broke my arm in 3 places DOCTOR: Then dont go to those places!"

"Whats the opposite of Christopher Walken? Christopher Reeves"

"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lick-a-lot-o-puss"

"Tilda Swinton is what happens when a lamp from IKEA becomes self aware."

"What do you call a Knight that cuts beef? Sir Loin."

"Why was the calculator salesman happy when he sold his cheapest calculator? Because they all add up!"