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Joke of the Day

"I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas."

"dishes laundry vacuuming dusting me *Things that won't get done today."

"With everyone watching Democrats fight Democrats over tax cuts, now would be a great time for Republicans to have sex in airport washrooms."

"what lies dead, a hundred feet in the air? a dead centipede"

"When I was a kid I was full of piss and vinegar... Now I'm just pissin' vinegar."

"You're the jelly to my burger, the knife to my soup, the glitter to my sushi, and the ketchup to my icecream. My point is, you're worthless."

"Pikachu used thunderbolt... Squirtle fainted."

"I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea He said he couldn't complain"

"Every time someone uses the word ""intense"", Chuck Norris always replies ""you know what else is intense?"" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face."

"Oh, you solved a murder? I guess that's cool. One time I didn't run over my ex when I saw him crossing the street. I prevented a murder."