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Joke of the Day

"Why did Jared decide to gain all of his weight back? The mall is hiring new Santas."

"I was injured in a violent mugging this afternoon. On the plus side, I did make $23 and I think this old lady's watch looks really good on me."

"There are three unwritten laws of life... 1. 2. 3."

"My friends cat just ran across his banjo and was immediately sued by Mumford and Sons."

"You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?"

"u ever watch a spider build a web and ur like damn and i cant even build a desk from IKEA"

"My kids had a shirt made for me that says 'father of the year 2014 quarter finalist'."

"Where do you get 'Extra Virgin' olive oil? Really ugly olives."

"Sorry I hung up on you, I didn't mean to answer the call."

"My mom woke up early every morning to cut the crusts off my sandwiches for lunch at school. She knew the crusts were my favorite part. She hated me so much."