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Joke of the Day

"My fire alarm just went off because I took my shower. Ya, I know I'm hot when I'm naked, but come on now, let's all just calm down."

"I'm thinking of starting a Death-Metal themed take-away joint that caters to Pirates. I'm gonna call it ""Pizzas of Hate""."

"I ran into a man today who knew absolutely nothing about anatomy. I had to explain to him that there was a vas deferens between a testicle and penis. Edit: fixed ""there"""

"I meant to type : You're dear to me. I actually typed : You're dead to me. Losing friends is easy."

"What is the worst place to hide in a hospital? The ICU (I-see-you!)"

"What's the current number one song in Russia? Crimea river"

"My girlfriend is so ungrateful. Whenever I give her an orgasm... ... she just spits it out."

"Cheating is such an ugly way to put it. I like to think of it as outsourcing my sex life."

"""WE WILL FIGHT TO THE DEATH! After you try this delicious glazed poultry I've prepared for you all."" --General Tso"

"[first date] Me: *don't let him know you're the Mona Lisa* Him: You look nice tonight Me: *smiles ambiguously*"