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Joke of the Day

"[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I'm dying]: ""Oh, you don't have to do that, don't worry about it."""

"2 gay guys are at a bar. As they near bar what does one say to the other? May I push your stool in."

"Please women who wear 1 inch heels. What's the point? You look ridiculous. What difference does 1 inch really make? Don't answer that."

"Cops are raiding Justin Bieber's house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can't make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us."

"[interviewer looks up from resume] in the skills, you wrote ""completing sentences? Yes."" wow. you ""'re hired?"" amaz- ""on prime?"" get out."

"[sitting at a table] Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across. Me: crosses out and writes new number *thermostat negotiations*"

"Gave my blind mate a cheese grater the other day... He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read."

"How many days are there in Canadian February? About Twenty, eh."

"How do you greet an overweight Micronesian when you're trying to sound cool? Microsoft Word."

"What do you call tubing in Winnipeg? Mani-tubing"