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Joke of the Day

"Maybe we should stop making ski masks since no one wears them except bank robbers."

"When you have sex you burn 1000 calories. No wonder you're so fat."

"I don't think peeing on a goose is the right answer.. But on the other hand.. I'm not sure it's the WRONG answer. -Drunk me at a zoo"

"People act like weed is the worst thing for short-term memory. Go drink 15 beers and see if you can remember your name or how legs work."

"How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it."

"[gets on Facebook] [types ""you pushed me away but expected me to stay""] [everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]"

"""PARKOUR!"" - me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk"

"me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows *gingerly taps banana*"

"If I got 1$ for every failed math exam... I'd have $ 10.30 now."

"*wife walks in to see the boys have built a chair fort* Wife: PUT THOSE CHAIRS BACK! Me *climbing out of fort* YOU HEARD YOUR MOTHER!"