71860

Joke of the Day

"Apparently if you call out your own name while masturbating they will kick you off this ferris wheel."

"Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls"

"*on first date* Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?"

"I asked my professor how long my paper should be. He said it should be like a woman's skirt... Long enough to cover the subject but short enough to be interesting."

"Thinking about the first person ever to get drunk. People must have been like, ""COME QUICK! JEREMIAH HAS BEEN STRICKEN WITH AWESOME!"""

"What's the difference between a pizza and a baby I won't rape the pizza before I put it in the oven"

"Taking a nap until my carbon monoxide detector stops beeping."

"MAFIA BOSS (ominously): Take him out ME: What if he's already seeing someone MAFIA BOSS: Well then you have to respect that relationship"

"I've just joined a Jamaican jazz band as a triangle player. I just stand at the back and ting."

"Why doesn't anyone get laid on Thanksgiving? All the coats are on the bed!"