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Joke of the Day

"My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry."

"A man told me that he wasn't constipated I think he's full of shit."

"I like my coffee the same way I like my slaves.... Free."

"Do you brush your teeth without making a mess like in the commercials? Because I usually look like I have minty fresh rabies...."

"Whats the difference between a girl and a washing machine? When I dump a load in the washing machince, it doesnt follow me around"

"""So how was your date?"" I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much ""That wasn't a good idea"" Yeah well, hindsight is 1"

"Who's winning Went to visit my Granddad. He was watching a basketball game. ""What's the score Gramps?"" ""92 to 86."" ""Who's winning?"" I asked. ""92"""

"I like the term ""making a name for yourself"" It implies your parents were wrong."

"TIFU by accidentally eating my friend's sandwich from Subway Oops, wrong sub."

"Why are there no joke about Jonestown? The punchlines are too long."