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Joke of the Day

"Do you brush your teeth without making a mess like in the commercials? Because I usually look like I have minty fresh rabies...."

"[PetSmart] *approaches checkout with bird seed* ""that all for you today?"" Yes. How long does it usually take? ""For what?"" For them to grow"

"What did Mr. Freeze do with his wife on their first date? Netflix and chill."

"A feminist told me I really need to take a Women's Studies class. I told her ""There is no way I'm going to spend a semester studying a broad."""

"It's better to be a worldwide alcoholic, than an Alcoholic Anonymous."

"Hubs: If you could sleep with... Me: THOR!!! Hubs: ...the fan off tonight, that'd be great. Me: Ohhhh..."

"What does Marshawan Lynch use to keep himself calm before the big game? Marsh-Mellows"

"Seriously Alejandro, stop calling Gaga. I think she's made it pretty clear she's not interested and frankly you can do better."

"""NO HOMO"" i scream at my dog Homo as he shits on the carpet"

"What's the difference between a fridge and a vagina? A fridge doesn't fart when you take out the meat."