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Joke of the Day

"I'd tell you the joke about the philosopher but I think only a Nietzsche audience would understand it."

"I just picked a Chapstick up from my bedside table, spent 30 seconds trying to get the lid off with my teeth, then realized it was a battery"

"That's it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You'll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix."

"[Duck support group] ""After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day"" *the other ducks nod sympathetically*"

"During the stone age, long before Facebook, man was already experiencing the desire to express on a wall what he had eaten."

"my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas"

"Apparently, saying ""make it a double"" followed by an awkward wink doesn't work at the pharmacy."

"I recently met up with an old girlfriend of mine and we immediately started having sex... ...The police got annoyed, however - they only wanted me to identify the body."

"I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like 'Loves Abortions Brenda' or 'Intern Groper Rob'."

"What do all failing students in New Orleans have in common? They are all below ""C level""."