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Joke of the Day

"Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car"

"A Day in the life of John Dillon. My name is John Dillon, I do all the killin', I make 5 Dollars Day. I see a Girl named kitty and she shows me her titties and she takes my 5 Dollars away."

"When I grocery shop for the wife I always buy cucumbers smaller than me, just in case."

"I think the main issue with 'The Hunger Games' is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats."

"I buried my head in my girlfriend's breasts tonight when we had a deep, intellectual conversation I just had to rack my brain to figure it out."

"Pot is a gateway drug. But the gateway is cluttered with gallons of ice cream & stacks of pizza, so it's hard to pass through."

"What is the speed limit during sex? 68; once you get to 69 you have to stop and turn around."

"How many redditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Who cares, because How Can Light Be Real If Our Eyes Arent Real?"

"Fun Fact: Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in."

"At first I thought the Chinese restaurant canceled my reservation... But then I realized I went to the Wong one."