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Joke of the Day

"How much lube should you buy to prepare to have sex with a McDonald's fry cook with a cheddar fetish? About a quart to pound her with cheese."

"My mate wears the same jacket when he's impersonating either Matt Damon or Hugh Jackman. Maybe he's Bourne with it, maybe it's Wolverine."

"Slept like a log last night..... Woke up in the fire place"

"People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that."

"Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours."

"What did the claustrophobic fungi say to his friends? There's not mushroom in here"

"My work signed me up for a 401k But I've never even run a marathon"

"fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due me: say it fred: pls no me: i'm not paying fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due me: haha"

"What do British nuclear engineers eat? Fission chips."

"What does a bag of rice and an onion do when they get into a fast car? They pilaf. I'll show my way out"