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Joke of the Day

"I want my funeral to be sad and completely serious. Then right when my coffin starts lowering into the ground the song from Tetris plays."

"Me: This painting really speaks to me. Mona Lisa: You do way too many drugs."

"To the ""Girls gone Wild"" girls: When flashing your boobs try not to stick your tongues out. It makes you look trashy."

"""Stuff that alligator in that dolphin"" - God creating sharks"

"Traffic lights are so shy the closer I get to them, the more likely they are to go red"

"I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy."

"This girl I'm currently seeing is very flexible, just what I like. She comes round every Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday."

"""any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?"" [I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic] HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?"

"I really don't have a clear stance on abortion On one hand I'm all for killing babies. But on the other hand I don't support women's rights."

"You're one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What's not to like about birthdays?"