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Joke of the Day

"As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning... Him: What's a pirates favorite letter? Me: ARRRGH! Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the ""C""!"

"I JUST CONSUMED SO MUCH SUGAR THAT I FEEL ALL SHOUTY IN MY HEAD AND CAPS LOCKY AND HOLY CRAP HOW DO PEOPLE DO ACTUAL DRUGS"

"Why did Hitler fail his math class? He couldn't reach the final solution."

"What do electricians say when they meditate? Ohm..."

"My girlfriend said she will leave me unless I stop pretending to be a dung beetle. I said, 'Go right ahead. I can live without sex but I do need to eat every day'."

"What did Mario say to Yoshi when he started climbing the Cherry tree? (X-post r/landscaping) Yoshino!!!"

"How many Coldplay members does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, but he has to see Radiohead do it first."

"We just hired an ex-con, who was in for tax evasion, to do our landscaping And I must say he is terrific at cutting the corners."

"I wanna give a shoutout to the sidewalks For keeping people off the streets."

"BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured."