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Joke of the Day

"*i get home riding a pig* Wife: Hey honey, how was the ""Hog Riders"" meeting? Me: *sighs* Pointless...this one was for motorcycles too."

"Well this should spice things up. I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me."

"I played Lady Gaga at Texas hold 'em. I lost because I fucking suck at cards."

"""Police! Open up!"" ""No, you're gonna yell at me"""

"So i asked this girl to have phone sex with me.. She said she cant, because she has Virgin Mobile.."

"[graduation speech] all of our parents had sex during the same year and i think that's really great"

"how can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat? She starts to fit your wife's clothes. Yes, I know this isn't OC. Nothing on reddit is."

"Dog poo was thrown over my fence so I went and knocked on my neighbour's door. I wanted to see if I got him."

"Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police! Her: Calm down, where are they now? Me: Still ringing the doorbell"

"Judge: *whispering* pls stop introducing yourself like this just because u work in my chambers it doesn't m- Me: YES HI IM HIS CHAMBERMAID"