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Joke of the Day

"I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids... Apparently she left me two days ago."

"How many religious women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Nun. I'll^hear^myself^out... EDIT: Formatting"

"If only the Olympics had an event that involved falling down and not spilling your drink..."

"Teen smoking is down 35 percent from when I was a kid. Unfortunately, so is teen ""coolness."""

"How many passive-aggressive people does it take to change a lightbulb? Oh never mind, I'll just sit here in the dark..."

"""Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."" The priest replied, ""I know. I saw your tweet!"""

"You guys hear about the new Lebron James phone? It only vibrates, it doesn't have a ring."

"*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress* Aww are those flowers for me? -Uh...yeah Is there a card too? *with a mouthful of paper* No"

"When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandpa. Not screaming in terror like all of those people in his car."

"Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid."