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Joke of the Day

"I couldn't find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids... Apparently she left me two days ago."

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"Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee... ...go to bed at 3 AM as if you did not have to get up at 7."
"When life gives you lemons . . . demand to see life's manager."
"What kind of exercise did Jesus do? Crossfit"
"(Describing Guy Fieri to sketch artist): Literally a flaming hot cheeto"
"Baby, give me that couch.. .. cause I need some sectional healing!"
"First Executive Order: All pornstars must now be blonde."
"My wife said I'm picky. I said obviously not picky enough. Anyone need a roommate tonight?"
"Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we're all going to die out here."
"DRIVING ON HIGHWAY Wife: You just missed a right. Me: Thanks babe you just MRS right."
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