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Joke of the Day

"Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn't have happened if it had been a Snickers."

"Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second."

"It's hard to think about my wife, who passed away during delivery Tip: Never, *EVER* go with a mail-order Russian bride who arrives by ship."

"What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do? Stay up all night wondering if there is a dog."

"They agreed upon 'almond milk' when the original name flavoured nut water was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason..."

"I found a butterfly without wings... So I poured some RedBull on it and BAM... It drowned."

"I'm the skeptical guy in the infomercial audience. I didn't believe a $20 food chopper could be such a good value. guess what. I was wrong."

"Why do mathematicians have a hard time moving on in relationships? Because they're always trying to find the x. They don't know y, either."

"Treat your woman like you treat your smartphone: touch her often, stare at her, and make her the most important thing in your life."

"5: I want to learn drums. Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop. *confused, 5 walks away I am the master."