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Joke of the Day

"Why couldn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie? [x-post from r/gratefuldead ] Because he was too far out man!"

"I haven't talked to my wife in 8 months... I didn't want to interrupt"

"british people say ""maths"" instead of math because they are big nerds who cannot be satisfied by a single math"

"John only wants to fuck virgins. He's such a cherry dicker"

"Thinking about making a sitcom where two mermaid guys are roommates and calling it ""tuna half men"""

"The movie spoiler you won't be able to avoid this Xmas! It turns out Alvin is Theodore's FATHER!"

"Why do scuba-divers jump backwards into the water? Because if they jumped forwards they'd still be in the boat."

"How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT LADDER."

"In marijuana's defense, I'm lazy as shit completely sober too."

"Friend: Your three kids are so well behaved! Me: Well .... there used to be four."