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Joke of the Day

"Thinking about making a sitcom where two mermaid guys are roommates and calling it ""tuna half men"""

"I just burned my fingers in boiling oil and screamed ""OOH OOH AHH AHH"" like a monkey it was a chip pan,see"

"*mugger walks up* GIMME EVERYTHING YOU GOT! *mugger slowly walks away with $2.16 and a lifetime of anxiety & existential misunderstanding*"

"Mrs. Bigger had a baby. Which one was bigger? The baby. It was a little Bigger."

"What's worse than a lobster on your piano? Crabs on your organ."

"Have you heard that China's panda project is disastrously failing? All of the pandas are dying of pneumonia. It's causing pandaneumonium."

"I almost had a threesome last night... Just needed two more people."

"[recording studio] Producer: Um what're you guys doing? Singer: Ending the song Producer: You don't have to fade out. We'll do that in here."

"My bathtub is just like me. Shallow and not quite long enough."

"Heading down to the Autopsy Club later. It's open Mike night."