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Joke of the Day

"""We're going to chop off your testicles so we can love you until we decide you need to die."" --pet owners"

"Have you heard of the artist Jackson Polyp? He could only paint with splatters and he hung out with some real assholes."

"In Chinese culture the great wall represents true longevity. It's the only thing from China that lasts more than a few weeks."

"This guy at the bar yells in my face ""Have you been sleeping with my wife?!""... I said ""No, she's always awake when I'm over there"""

"I was forced to put my grades up for adoption I just couldn't raise them"

"*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder* ""Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it's done toasting?"""

"Heard a giant Indian guy sing with the most beautiful voice in the world. Turns out it was actually Dalip Singh"

"Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke hadn't been invented yet."

"When someone tries to argue with me I'm like ""hey pal let me stop you right there"" and then physically turn them around to face someone else"

"Halloween '94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?"