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Joke of the Day

"[phone makes noise] [gets giddy about how popular I'm about to feel] Oh. It's an email about car insurance. [quietly dies a little inside]"

"Actual ""dad"" joke from my dad What does Mickey Mouse do to Minnie Mouse after she drowns and he pulls her out of the water? Mouse to Mouse resuscitation."

"Mom I'm running away! No I don't need a jacket! Mom no I'm fine I don't need a jac- mom! No I don't need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!"

"Why did Sean Connery say he quit his mall Santa job? I got tired of all the kids asking to shit on my lap."

"Girl you remind me of this steak I have no steak"

"A jumper cable walks into a bar The bartender says, ""Sure, you can stay, but don't start anything!"""

"My wife told me to give her nine inches and make it hurt. So I fucked her twice, and hit her with a brick."

"Kim Kardashian is essentially three asses stacked on top of each other."

"I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine's day as a birth control reminder to the other couples."

"if your religion infringes on people's rights; sorry, you've had hundreds of years to change everyone's mind- obviously that hasn't happened"