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Joke of the Day

"Me: What's the point if it's not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE. Dentist: Please just floss more"

"Man draws fire for arson attack on art class."

"[at oceanside seafood restaurant] Me: Is the fish fresh here? Waiter: Yes *from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*"

"You know what's funny? Lots of shit so lighten the fuck up."

"Me: Excuse me, where are your nails that twist? Worker: You mean screws? Me: I don't know, I'm not a nail scientist. Worker...."

"You know you have an awesome bra... when you can do the entire Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes' song.... with just a slight adjustment of the shoulder straps!"

"How does Donald Trump plan on deporting all the illegal immigrants? Juan by Juan."

"Why did the two suicide bombers blow themselves up on the same room? So they could be splatmates."

"What do you call a man who is attracted to black guys? A homiesexual!"

"Why be on time when I can make shitty excuses?"