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Joke of the Day

"It would be nice to have a second button beside the 'snooze' that emails your boss that you aren't coming in today."

"I went on a date with a girl called simile... But I don't know what I metaphor."

"Boy: Do you have fever? Girl: No why? Boy: Cause you look hot!!!!!"

"1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2...!!"

"Redditor's Headstone Inscription NOW I KNOW I'M LATE SO WILL LIKELY GET BURIED"

"The Cleveland Browns completely revamped their playbook Every pass play now has a 12 step drop back..."

"i still play that game where the floor is lava but now i just lie on the couch and watch tv until it cools into igneous rock"

"My friend got attacked by a bear recently It was really grizzly."

"COP: Give back the money you stole ME: Already spent it COP: On what? ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend"

"A general calls a colonel: - Do you have a couple of smart majors? - Yes I do. - Send them to me. I need to move my furniture around."