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Joke of the Day

"[showing my 4yo a Slinky] me: look, it's walking down the stairs kid: what else can it do me: literally nothing"

"When I was a kid, we didn't have the internet. We had to go to the library to masturbate."

"How can you open a banana? With a monkey!"

"Son: Where are the Himalayas? Father: If you'd put things away you'd know where to find them."

"Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your ""shake"" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake"

"If you're between a rock and a hard place ... Stop using crack."

"Ever since I got my antivirus check done on my computer. Single Asian ladies don't wanna do it with me anymore."

"I don't bite the hand that feeds me. I lightly suck the thumb."

"What should you do if you find an angry 500-pound dog in your kitchen? Eat out."

"Here's a nice Jewish joke my Dad told me A Jewish kid asks his father for 20$. The father responds, ""10$, what on earth do you need 5$ for, I'd be happy with 1$, here's a quarter."""