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Joke of the Day

"I retweet to avoid any awkward silences between tweets."

"If you know this one than we are probably friends. * Man 1: Knock Knock. * Man 2: Who's there? * Man 1: KGB. * Man 2: KGB wh- *get's slapped* * Man 1: WE WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS!"

"Thanks for letting everyone on facebook know your phone is broken. I was already thinking about never calling or texting you anyway."

"my sixth birthday party was so formal that we roberted for apples"

"Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children."

"What did the Mexican firefighter call his two sons? Jose and Hose-B"

"What's 18 inches long, and makes a woman scream the entire night? Her dead baby."

"Hell hath no fury like a woman mad for no particular reason."

"The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides! Your days are numbered missy."

"i'm going to quit my job and open a donut shop that also sells weed i'll call it 'glazed and confused'."