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Joke of the Day

"When I was a child I played ""The Floor is Lava!"" But as an adult, I've put away childish fancies, and purchased magical lava-proof shoes."

"Did you hear about the guitarist that got arrested? He was fingering A minor."

"If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, that's probably a good, isolated spot to commit crimes."

"At the mattress store I set all the sleep numbers to 69, because I'm hilarious and original and sexy."

"*crawls into bed naked* *grabs a book* *sips wine* This is nice. I wonder whose house this is."

"Doctor Sawbones speaking. Oh doctor my girlfriend's just dislocated her jaw. Can you come over in say three or four weeks' time?"

"What happens when you put the batteries in backwards in an Energizer Bunny? It keeps cumming and cumming and cumming...."

"""Bro she's a cold digger"" [later with gf] Do you only want me for my germs? [she stops licking my face] Why would you ask that?"

"""I wanna know who is responsible for this!"" nn-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself."

"I listen to gangsta rap sprinkled with a little Sarah McLachlan. Will I murder you? Will I adopt a puppy with you? You don't know."