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Joke of the Day

"When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don't say a word. Thanks."

"Maybe just don't throw stones in any kind of house."

"Professor X can move objects with his mind If Professor X can move objects with his mind, why can't he make his legs move??"

"My walk of shame is when I have to take all the the empty Taco Bell bags out of my car and bring them to the garbage can."

"Humpty Dumpty , that sly bastard Humpty Dumpty sat on his bed, As Little Bo Beep was giving him head, Just as he came she began to weep, She could tell by the taste, He'd been screwing her sheep ! !"

"A lesbian tried to hit on me today, so I let her know that I was straight. She told me, ""Spaghetti is straight too, till it gets wet"""

"What's the difference between a bag of coke and a baby? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of coke fall out the window."

"Why should you never hit people with violins?? Because violins is not the answer..."

"Person: ""I hate geology puns."" Me: ""My sediments exactly."""

"Tips to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right, then turn it to the left. Repeat this every time you are offered something to eat."