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Joke of the Day

"Why couldn't the BMW fit into a narrow parking stall at Target? because it was being driven by a woman"

"Shout out to the sense of wonder in the eyes of children. Also to pistachios. I'll eat a shit ton of pistachios. Mmmm pistachios."

"Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won't talk on the phone? GF: What? M: A Guy-no-call-ogist. GF: I'm killing u in ur sleep tonight."

"I'd be the X-man who was always pointing out the continuity flaws in our storyline"

"Where do you put a badly behaved spaceman? On the astronaughty step."

"Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din...Me:(interrupting) YES."

"Why does a redneck find his cousin more attractive than a stranger? Because it's all relative."

"as your casket is lowered into the cold, fresh earth, i lean down to you, my love, and whisper my final word...""unfollowed"""

"I've said it before and I'll say it again... I've said it before."

"I'm a pedophile Just kidding"