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Joke of the Day

"Shout out to the sense of wonder in the eyes of children. Also to pistachios. I'll eat a shit ton of pistachios. Mmmm pistachios."

"A turtle is crossing the road.... when he is mugged by two snails. When the police show up they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies ""I don't know...it all happened so fast!"""

"What has 75 balls and screws old ladies? Bingo"

"A boy was born without testis Doctor asked the father: is there any member in the family who had the same anomaly. Father replied without missing a beat: yeah, his mother."

"My wife asked me, ""Where's your wedding ring?"" I said, ""I had to wash my hands so I took it off and placed it on my lover--I mean your mother's kitchen counter."""

"What kind of medicine do bears take? Bayer Asprin"

"I was eating out this girl the other day and there was Horse semen in there and I was like ""Damn,Grandma that is how you died"""

"Whats the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a bottle of glue? Anyone can tune a piano, but noone can piano a tuna!"

"Just heard a little kid tell his dad he was a lion and his dad said ""Wow!"" What a fucking pair of idiots."

"Can't wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal."