59996

Joke of the Day

"Rules for wearing animal print yoga pants: 1. Weigh less than the animals they represent 2. 3."

"Don't forget to put everybody before her so she has no clue whether you really give a shit or not"

"I'm not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I'm going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard..."

"I don't blame people for not wanting Merrick Garland in the Supreme Court I would be scared too if I had to work with the Incredible Hulk in his later years."

"I don't have many friends: I don't have many friends but I can draw pretty well, so I drew a bunch of friends But I only draw in black pen.. So I feel really uncomfortable"

"Me: I'll write u a haiku! Her: I'm just impressed u know how to spell haiku. Me: *deletes ""how to spell high-koo"" from browser history*"

"Where do you weigh a pie? Somewhere over the rainbow."

"I can't decide if I should get a new mattress or not. I should probably sleep on it."

"If I ever get a llama, I'm totally naming it Dalai."

"I'm in Germany. Time to drink precisely one bier (beer) and call every man ""Hans"""