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Joke of the Day

"People who say they're 'living in the moment' must be hitting the refresh button like a motherfucker."

"When a wife is laughing at her husband's jokes, it means they have guests at home."

"In case I ever doubted my status as an American, being able to buy girl scout cookies on my way out of the gym was a heady reminder."

"A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, ""Sorry we don't serve food here."""

"*slams table WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY'D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG"

"Do you have any naked pictures of your girlfriend on your phone??? No?? Want me to send some to you?"

"You are now breathing manually. Your welcome :) That's one of the best ways to get at someone over the internet."

"What's the hardest thing about being a vegan crossfitter who went to Harvard? Figuring out what to tell you about first."

"Why does the little mermaid wear sea-shells? She grew out of her b-shells"

"Why is turkey happy? It just escaped from a coop."