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Joke of the Day

"I spent all day yesterday putting my old watches together to make a belt. When I finally finished I realized it was just a huge waste of time."

"I could make some serious money selling nude pics of myself to bulimics with short fingers."

"Illegal eavesdropping The Patriot Act Section 215 has expired. The NSA will now stop illegally eavesdropping!"

"Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs? A: They keep breaking them with the hammers."

"What would you do if you were Justin Bieber for a day... ...i would send all the money in his bank account to me, obviously. How about you guys?"

"That's weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill..."

"If the salvation army wants a donation from me then they better get a kettle big enough to put my son in."

"Why a giraffe got arrested while driving? Coz he was high :D"

"Dear airlines, spend less money making cutesy safety videos and pass those savings on to your customers. Wouldn't that be cool?"

"You must be peanut butter because you're making my legs feel like jelly."