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Joke of the Day

"[in front of fire] DATE: I'm still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket* ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it"

"I hate moving house... It means I have to go around telling all the neighbours I'm on the sex offenders register again. I'm not, but it sure keeps their kids out of the yard."

"TIFU by trying to be witty at the airport... The TSA confiscated my protein powder asking ""Are you planning on building any bombs with this substance?"" I replied ""No, only guns."""

"What is Fido the dog's favorite part of a tree? Bark! What is his favorite canine? Wolf! How does he like his sex? Ruff!"

"Saltwater The blue whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating, but only 10 percent enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty."

"What was the middle aged man charged with when he was found fondling a calf? Sexual Moolestion"

"What gun would Jesus outlaw first? A nail gun"

"How To Avoid Dating You're too young for me. I'm too young for you. I don't date men my age. Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics."

"THE RIGHT ONE HOW CAN YOU BE CERTAIN YOU FOUND THE RIGHT ONE? AFTER YOU PASS GAS,THEY HAVENT FILED FOR AN ORDER OF PROTECTION"

"My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they're building a Jenga puzzle. Have kids. It's fun."