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Joke of the Day

"I earned a masters degree and a doctorate; I have $413.21 in assets. Weird Al Yankovic is worth 11 million. Kids, don't stay in school."

"How can you tell if a hamburger was grilled in space? It's a little meteor."

"Return to empty house. TV turned on to UFC. Faint smell of Axe body spray. Worst fear realized. My house has polterguys."

"Hey girl.. you ready to [loudly toward the door] TAKE IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL *roommate sends in R/C truck with a bunch of condoms taped to it*"

"Why can't Canada win wars? Because they'll blow you up and then apologize."

"Why did the baker have brown hands? Because he 'kneaded' a shit."

"If Donald Trump becomes president we will have toupee more taxes."

"What did the dog say when he bit the sandpaper? Nothing. He just grit his teeth."

"I had a soap addiction. Its okay though I'm clean now."

"What do ping pong players and my dominatrix have in common? They both like to paddle little, white balls."