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Joke of the Day

"Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile"

"*The Terminator opens a fortune cookie. ""It is ok to kill many people. Many killings are coming your way."" John: I know it doesn't say that."

"It was a sad day when I discovered... my new Universal Remote Control does not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely."

"But my sandwich is so dry! ""Sorry sir, that's not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic."""

"I was trying to catch some fog earlier... I mist."

"Love is like peeing yourself.... everyone can see but only you feel the warmth."

"Baby monitors are magical When I turn it off my baby stops crying"

"There's no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that's been in the closet for a year."

"I'd tell you a good chemistry joke but all the good ones argon."

"Fifteen years ago we had Johnny Cash, Steve Jobs and Bob Hope. Now we have no cash, no jobs and no hope."