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Joke of the Day

"Let's begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone."

"What kind of bees can you get milk from? Boobies!"

"GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS! GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans."

"Why did Leonardo Take forever to laugh at my Oscars joke? Cause he just got it!"

"What's the longest you've ever stared at your phone without glancing up to look at the road while driving? For me it's three weeks."

"I think God is for the legalization of marijuana. After all, the Bible is full of people getting stoned."

"Meeting with the father who married me and my wife for dinner tonight. I hope it's Italian I am going to ask him to pass the body of christ."

"[blind date] Her: I was so scared you'd be a weirdo Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU"

"If you're not into barrier reefs you will HATE the Great Barrier Reef"

"Paid $80 for a screw I picked up on my lunch hour. The only thing that blew was my tire."