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Joke of the Day

"*rolls grocery cart into open house* Ooh what a lovely lamp! *puts it in cart* An iPad! *crosses iPad off shopping list* *puts it in cart*"

"[i fall down the stairs & break my back] Me: Siri, call me 911 Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on Me: haha nice Siri: thanks 911"

"What should the Packers call their cheerleaders? Green Baes"

"The Holocaust Wasn't That Bad ""The holocaust wasn't that bad."" ""Of course it was!"" ""I'm going to go out and kill a million Jews and one clown."" ""Why the clown?"" ""See, no one cares about the Jews."""

"America & UK are competing to see who can fuck up their country the most... UK is in the lead... but America has a Trump card."

"What do the average woman and kids on a snow day have in common? They're both hoping for nine inches, but will be happy enough with five."

"A fat woman just served me at McDonalds... ... and said ""Sorry about the wait"". I replied and said ""Don't worry, you'll lose it eventually""."

"My mom laughed at me when I told her I was making a car out of spaghetti... you should have seen her face when I drove pasta!"

"What's the difference between Stephen Harper and Rob Ford? One likes pipelines, and the other likes pipes *and* lines."

"My favorite sex position I called wow Its when I flip your mom over."