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Joke of the Day

"[i fall down the stairs & break my back] Me: Siri, call me 911 Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on Me: haha nice Siri: thanks 911"

"It would be a disaster if Hillary Clinton were elected president I mean who would entrust our nukes to a woman on a period?"

"It's like my wife didn't even TRY to clean the house while I went out to play poker... I mean, how am I supposed to live like this?"

"Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you're God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!"

"There's nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you're home alone at 1 am...and you don't have children..."

"What begins with a "" C"" ends with a ""T"" has a ""U and a ""N"" in it, is hairy on the outside and wet in the middle. A coconut."

"What do you call a black priest? ...holy shit im not racists or anything"

"I'm developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers' stories."

"Teach a man to build a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for a lifetime."

"You should never yell ""Fire!"" in a crowded theater The gunman will shoot when he's ready, it isn't polite to rush him"