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Joke of the Day

"flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign [guy next to me is still murdering someone] me: um excuse me"

"None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern."

"Mickey and Minnie Mouse are going through a divorce. Mickeys lawyer says "" you can't get a divorce because your wife is a little crazy."" To which Mickey replies ""no I said she's Fucking Goofy!"""

"i before e except after c Great, now how am I supposed to spell ""ice"" again?"

"What do they call a virgin down in the south? Faster than her brother!"

"Babysitting Pro Tip: Make them play Dungeons & Dragons until they love it so their parents will never have to worry about teenage pregnancy."

"You are like snow. White. Pretty to look at. I used to like to play with you but now I'll pay someone to get rid of you."

"From my not quite 3yr old cousin. Q:Why did the doggy cross the road? A:To get to the bone! Q:Why did the bone cross the road? A: To get away!"

"Girl hey what's up? Boy if i tell you, will you sit on it? Sex is like a misdmeanor, the kore i miss it, the meaner i get."

"A sober Irishman arrives goes home after work... That's it."