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Joke of the Day

"U2 just announced a world tour. Are they going tosell tickets, or just break into my living room and start playing?"

"*uses handkerchief* Well now that this is used, it seems I won't be blowing my nose again til laundry day."

"In the old days they sacrificed virgins to appease the Gods. They must have realized sacrificing the town slut would have been such a waste."

"Why was the dyslexic atheist a cat person? He doesn't believe in dog."

"A cheetah stalking its prey would envy the velocity at which I click the skip button when Apple Music plays a Nickelback track"

"Two guys see a dog licking his balls... The first guy says ""Man, I wish I could do that!"" The second guy replies, ""Maybe you should try petting him first"""

"Me: it's robocop Wife: it's not robocop it's dangerous *a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*"

"I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself."

"Whats the worst part about a black out in Detroit? All the pairs of floating eyes"