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Joke of the Day

"Me: it's robocop Wife: it's not robocop it's dangerous *a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*"

"What's smarter than a dog, but dumber than a cat? Their owner."

"Can you believe my girlfriend's mother said I'm a pedophile because I'm 40 and she's 20? Just because she's a mother doesn't mean she can judge people twice her age."

"A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: ""Wife wanted."" Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ""You can have mine."""

"How does an ethiopian open a beer? With his ribs"

"Clark Kent: Only kryptonite can kill me. Perry: What do you mean? Can't regular things kill you? Clark: Oh shit. Which guy am I right now!?"

"How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Just follow the Fresh Prints!"

"I can't understand how Bruce Jenner wants to become a woman The plastic surgery has got be mildly painful, but the sucking out of half the brain has got be excruciating."

"[job interview] ""So we'll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?"" Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?"

"CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let's build stuff. UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*"