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Joke of the Day

"Sent him a pic and he replied ""BOOM!!"" Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade."

"Her: Prove that you care about me Me: *Takes my phone off the charger and plugs in hers"

"Why did the vampire sit on a pumpkin? It wanted to play squash."

"Having sex while drunk is like trying to pierce a Capri Sun with an earthworm"

"I don't want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don't fit us anymore."

"The cannibal arrived late to the dinner party. He was given the cold shoulder."

"On cold mornings, it'd be helpful if a menacing man screamed obscenities at me in German so I'd get out of the shower."

"Why was the tired criminal delighted when he was caught by the police? Because he needed *arrest*!!!"

"How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just beat the room for being black."

"I bet a heroin addict could find a needle in a haystack."