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Joke of the Day

"How do you pick Dolly Parton's Kids out of a crowd? They're the ones with stretch marks around their lips."

"7yo: MOMMA DO YOU THINK YOU'LL EVER GET A 6-PACK OR ARE YOU JUST GONNA BE FAT Me: *slowly shreds Pokemon cards w/out breaking eye contact*"

"[baby is bouncing in swing seat] I I wish I had one of those. HER DAD They bring great joy. I (to self) Oh, he thinks I mean a baby."

"Just found out that Norway has the highest cost of living in Europe... There's Norway I could A-Fjord to live there."

"What to do when a blonde throws a grenade at you... What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back."

"Honestly, after an hour of Disney Channel I don't give a shit about the future"

"Deer nuts and beer nuts What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are a buck fifty and deer nuts are under a buck."

"What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don't have to work and pay taxes."

"A man walks into a bar... His friends ducked."

"Everyone has that one friend who treats their Facebook status like their therapist."