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Joke of the Day

"I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically."

"I'm opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint. I really think my ""Whites Only!"" restaurant idea will be a hit!"

"Found an old Tom Jones CD and my underwear drawer flew wide open and all my undies threw themselves at my stereo."

"What's the difference between a girl and a washing machine? One doesn't follow you around after you dump a load in it."

"M: What do you want for dinner? H: I don't care, you decide M: Sushi? H: No, but whatever. M: Mexican? H: Nah, but your call. He's dead now"

"Dicaprio finally won an Oscar!!! Sorry wrong sub..."

"I'm glad to see New York getting in the spirit of Halloween! New Orleans in 2005 was a great costume choice!"

"I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER"

"If I were Luke Skywalker it would have taken me about six minutes to turn R2-D2 into a bong."

"How do you titillate an ocelot? .... .... You oscillate its tit a lot"