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Joke of the Day

"Me: let's go vegetarian Husband: can we still eat eggs M: of course H: fish? M: obviously H: bacon on special occas- M: we'd be crazy not to"

"If a centipede a pint, how much can a precipice? A canopy."

"Studies show that 92% of people masturbate. Do you know what the other 8% does instead? Yeah... me neither."

"I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago... ...so far, all it's been doing is gathering dust..."

"Why did the Energizer Bunny need to lawyer up? He was charged with battery."

"Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what? Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir."

"Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed."

"This speech will be very hard for Hillary Clinton... She isn't getting paid for it"

"That new movie called Erectile dysfunction What a flop."

"What sort of animals make the best TV presenters ? Gnus - readers !"