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Joke of the Day

"Me: let's go vegetarian Husband: can we still eat eggs M: of course H: fish? M: obviously H: bacon on special occas- M: we'd be crazy not to"

"How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick it up and suck its dick."

"Advent calendars Their days are numbered."

"You can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water. If it sinks: girl ant.... If it floats: boy ant."

"In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys."

"A little girl says to her Mother: Girl: Mom, I'm Bleeding. Mother: That's OK sweetie. It's just a sign you're becoming a woman. Girl: OK I was just worried about this axe in my shoulder."

"I just ate a watch... ... It was time consuming. I'm thinking of going for seconds."

"The key to comedy? Perfect del ivery"

"What did the commitment averse monster truck announcer say to his girlfriend when she asked him, ""When are you going to finally ask me to marry you?"" ###SOMEDAY ###SOMEDAY! ###SOMEDAY!!"

"That rabbi's gone crazy! He's been running around a circumcising all kinds of lettuce... and that's just the tip of the iceberg."