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Joke of the Day

"You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once? That's how I'm handling adulthood."

"WIFE: Don't be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit. ME: Ok, I will. [later that day] ME: I quit BOSS: WHAT?? ME: I said, nice squid"

"If I ever commit suicide, I wanna jump off a cliff w/an open umbrella so people wonder if I thought it would bring me safely to the ground."

"Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip. To get to the same side."

"Q: What did the nurse say to John Cena? A: ICU."

"Where do rabbits learn to fly? The Hare Force"

"When a man with a lisp says buthneth... you know he means business."

"Why didn't the piece of paper move out of the way when a car came speeding towards it? Because it was stationary."

"Phone on silent. 10 missed calls. Turns volume to loudest. Nobody calls All damn Day."

"How can you tell if you have a mature or an immature sense of humor? poop."