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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear about the football player who went to jail? He went in a tight end and came out a wide receiver."

"I'm a firm believer in the phrase ""If you want something done right, do it yourself"" That's why I masturbate."

"How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday? It's already run out of battery."

"Infatuation prick is the answer, what is the question? How do you want your wontons cooked?"

"I just bought a 3D kindle. Or a book as it is more commonly known."

"Women never listen properly Wife: I lost my keys Man: Its in your jeans Wife: Dont drag my family into this."

"""Can I touch it?"" A little boy and a little girl are in the bathtub together. The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, ""Can I touch it?"" He answers, ""No way -- you already broke yours off!"""

"I went to the doctor today. He told me I was fat. I said I wanted a second opinion. He says, Okay, you're ugly."

"Failed a urine test... took a shit :("

"fooling around I was sucking off this bird last night when I thought, ""Wait a minute..."""