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Joke of the Day

"If I heard Matthew McConaughey only drank water out of a garden hose attached to the side of his house, I'd totally believe it."

"I don't speak french but I know a little german. He's sitting over there."

"Capitalization is important. NSFW Capitalization is the difference between ""I had to help my uncle Jack off a horse."" and ""I had to help my uncle jack off a horse."""

"If iron man and silver surfer teamed up... They'd be alloys."

"When I was in high school my girlfriend's dad got angry that I took her virginity. I said ""Sorry, it won't happen again."""

"I went to Lowe's to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don't exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them"

"I will NEVER go bungee jumping... I came into this world because of broken rubber, no way am I leaving the same way"

"7: what do you want for your birthday? Me: idk a new car 7: ok *walks away* [ 2 min later ] 7: what do you want that's under $6.42?"

"[me on my death bed after being trampled at a one direction concert] please tell people it was auto erotic asphyxiation"

"CANADIAN: Let's watch a movie AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic? CANADIAN: What's that about? AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank"