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Joke of the Day

"I went door-to-door today telling my neighbors I'm a registered sex offender so they'll keep their damn kids out of my yard."

"A study found that Buzzfeed is the least trusted news source in media. Serves them right for telling me I belong in Hufflepuff."

"What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner!"

"My favorite criminal intent: Robin Hood camping."

"There are two types of people in this world. People who pee in the shower and people who lie about it."

"How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb? A Brazilian!"

"If Joan Rivers rises from the ashes.... Will she be Rivers Phoenix?"

"Wife:Did you take ambien last night? Me: *recalls riding a unicorn that's on fire* No, why? W:The dog's wearing a saddle and she's orange."

"*Joe Biden nibbles Obama's ear* - Please stop it *Joe whispers* Say it - No go away *angrily whispers* Say it! - ...please stop Biden my ear"

"4-year-old: Is there candy in that drawer? Me: No. 4: Can I check? Me: Do you have a warrant?"